


In The Night

by CloverzBandit



Series: Agents of Splatoon: Behind Closed Doors [3]
Category: Splatoon
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Child Abandonment, Depression, Emotions, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hyperventilation, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Planned Suicide, Ink as Blood, More Deep Shit, Other, Reference to Body Issues, Reference to Fasting, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, sleeping aids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23420053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloverzBandit/pseuds/CloverzBandit
Summary: Agent 4 has trouble sleeping. What comes next?
Relationships: Honestly don't care, Implied Agent 3/Agent 8 (Splatoon)
Series: Agents of Splatoon: Behind Closed Doors [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1684393
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	In The Night

**Author's Note:**

> Ooops... My hand slipped again. I literally wrote this past midnight for hours. I didn't finish it in one go tho.
> 
> Note: Character Details here- https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z97DI2jhso4qjg9Fv6DU-Gn2W8ZD7SfQARdpm1gvvOc/edit
> 
> BTW: This is some deep depressing shit so TRIGGER WARNING

Truth be told, Agent Four had trouble sleeping sometimes. She just sat in her bed, mind racing and overthinking random things, in the dark. Tonight, doubt racked her mind. Was being an agent good enough? Will Octavio escape again? Are her skills good enough? Is her training going well? Did she deserve to meet Marie? Or the other agents? Was suggesting rooming with them a good decision? What if Three tells everyone? What would Eight and Marie think? Will she be kicked out of Squidbeak Splatoon? Will she be replaced? Will they abandon her?

It repeated over and over, causing her to be more anxious by the moment. If only she was more closed off, she wouldn’t have to worry as much. Now, she couldn’t go to sleep because of it, making it harder to go to sleep. Ten days have passed since Three confiscated her sleeping aids. She originally got them to force herself to fall asleep faster and to...well...go through with her plan. What plan you ask? Well… firstly, let’s back up.

She hated herself for venting to Brook(Agent Three) out of all people. Sure, she had an idea of her problem when they started to know each other. And sure they were pretty tight friends now but this! She can’t see her like that!

She just felt like she couldn’t lie to her. It was like being in front of a judge in court. Plus the sincerity of her words that are rare coming from her. This was her punishment. Here, at 3:45 am, lying here with her damned thoughts.

At least she shows a more enthusiastic approach to her persona. To the outside world, she’s laid back, gets involved with activities in the group, smiles if need be. Similar to Callie, actually, but not at full. They do have fun hanging together based on similar interests though. She’s a good friend to lighten up your day, even if she doesn’t know it. (Plus having to deal with her putting the Hypnoshades on and comforting her after. Four’s a fixer.)

Deep down below, at the comfort of her room, she undergoes something unhealthy and messy, though it has lessened recently. But now it’s coming back, thanks to the doubts and that pitiful display ten days ago. Y _ou're a piece of trash this. You should let yourself be killed or kill yourself_ that _._ Not to mention the _hey, you should go hurt yourself cause you're a useless piece of shit that can’t do anything right, even when saving the goddamn world._

_Yep, thanks for the reminder, Clover…_

-

**Ten days ago**

Brook caught Clover in the act. She sat on her bed, criss-cross with a wood skewer in hand, carving at her left shoulder, scars showing of past times. It was bleeding from constantly being carved over in the same spot. Though, she didn’t get too far. Usually, Clover would carve until she knew it would scar and look over her body to see her others, both from herself or getting hurt in battle. Then, proceed to carve at them too, even if some were old hot stains of ink from those damned snipers. Then she would clean up after herself and do it again some other day.

Brook was checking in on Four and telling her goodnight but as soon as she saw what was happening, she ran forward to grab her hand, stopping her attack on herself. Clover wasn’t crying at all but she was shaking and convulsing, eyes wide in fear and delight of her work and breathing fast. Mind clouded over. Brook sat with her, comforting her, until her breathing was normal. Clover stares at the wall, embarrassment and dread setting in.

“Cloves… You got to tell me what’s up. You have been acting distant and in your own head recently. Now this…” Brook pauses, pointing with her eyes to her shoulder.

Two sides were fighting for dominance in her mind. One telling her to shut up and say nothing. The other is desperate to tell a friend of her troubles because they were too much to bear. It was a close call but Three, the serious and stoic hero, said something to change her inner conflict.

“You're important to me Four. You're like the little sister I never had. I like you and I care about your safety. I might not show it but I’m telling you now.” Brook said in the sincerest but stern tone she ever heard from Brook.

Clover cracked, eyes tearing up but never ran down her face or sobbed. She came undone.

“I just want to disappear. To die on duty. But I can’t with Marie in my ear. All I can do is act slow and get hurt intentionally. I love and hate my scars. I hate my life. I deserve to be this way. I have always been this way, since Freshman year of high school. I’m out of high school now and I still feel the same. I hurt myself. I have trouble sleeping. I’m self-conscious about my body fat. I act all fun to everyone else but shut down in this very room. I could just swallow all those sleep aids and die. But no! I’m a pussy! I live with you and Eight. I have a friendship with the Squid Sisters. I saved Callie and Inkopolis. But I’m not happy. I’m miserable.” Clover panted, falling to her side and hugging herself, shaking again.

 _I also don’t want it to go away._ She thought.

“Clover, hey,” Brook shifted closer to her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t know you felt this way but I’m here for you now. Eight, me, Marie, Callie, we are here if you need us, okay?”

Clover stayed quiet.

“I’m not good with comforting things. Let me clean you up and we’ll figure this out, hm?”

Clover sighed. “Okay, just,” she got out of her futile position as Three lead her to the bathroom right across the hall. “Please don’t tell anyone about this. I don’t want to lose my spot as being an agent when I have a death wish. Marie would be worried and let me go…”

Three made eye contact. Her glowing greenish-blue splotch in her right eye glowing in the dark. “Fine, I promise. But,” it came at a price.

“I or someone else will have to come along with you on missions and I’ll be your sleep aid provider. Deal?” Clover reluctantly complied, seeing as she had no chance.

-

**Present**

**“** Ugh! I’m so stupid!” Clover yelled into her pillow. She wanted to just curl up in her blankets and scream and cry. But she just couldn’t. 

She turned her bedside lamp on, lifting her right sleeve and staring at her skin. It looked like a star that had several lines coming together in the middle. Each line was either scabbed or opened with a little dried orange ink. There was also more peeking out from the past. Her old burn markings and nail scratching. She had a few of the same on her right wrist but they were barely noticeable from other people and the point of the other scar on duty on every limb. 

She stared. Feeling regret and pride at once. She wanted only herself to see them, but no one else. _Guess I didn’t deserve to hide them, like everything else. Why bother? Oh right. I love to look at my own skin. Piece of shit..._

She sighed with a growl. “Why are you so fucked up?” She questioned herself. “Guess that doesn’t matter when you're addicted to your own weakness,” she paused. “Brook thought you were doing better. You kept up this facade until she caught you in the act, witnessing it first hand.” Clover put her right arm over her eyes. 

_What am I going to do when I’m not the only one struggling? Three and Eight have been in a traumatizing situation. They are haunted by it. Three with her night terrors almost every night, along with spells of pain around her scared eye, and Eight with her panic attacks and hallucinations. They’re both so strong and don’t fall into a pit of depression. You didn’t witness anything traumatic. You just got this way because you let it. Your old friends in middle school just left you out on parties and declined your invitation at the end of the year. Your sick for being that stupid. So selfish and used to attention back in middle school. And your parents? How fuck’en pathetic. No wonder they did what they did. You're too much to look after and dependent. You should have just disappeared on the face of the earth. They wouldn’t care anyway._

She sank, her breath coming in fast. 

_Run. Run from this place. There's nothing here for you. Your friends will all leave you soon. Just like they did. Run you god damn fool._

Clover hit her head with her fist, harder and harder. _No, I don’t want to get up._ Her world was getting unsteady.

_Get up you lazy ass! Do yourself a favor and run out this door!_

Her free right hand unconsciously reached for her shoulder shakily.

_No! I can’t just leave them behind! They’re agents! They will search for me!_

Her nails connected with skin.

_It won’t matter when you're long gone._

Her nails sank in over her recent scars.

_No I-I-_

_DO IT!_

She hit her head one more time, then shot up on her feet, dizziness of purple splotches came and slowly deteriorated. She hasn’t eaten a lot as of late. She studied herself, feeling sick from the inside. She tore into her skin, opening her wounds. She took away her hand. Beads of ink surfaced. She carelessly covered it with her sleeve. Then she made a b-line for her door. Then the living room and kitchen. Then the exit.

 _No, this is wrong..._ Clover slowed, just five feet from the door. Her hyperventilation increased, making her cough and tear up.

_gO nOW!_

She reached for the knob and slammed the door open.

_Go before she wakes up, you idiot!_

She staggered out the door and softly as she could, she closed it. She picked up on her run, but it was more of an unfit runner making their way to the end of a fifty-mile marathon. She thought she heard another door open roughly.

She didn’t focus on that though. Her mind was screaming for release. Screaming at her to go and not look back, screaming at her to run to the waterfall. She quickened her pace, though her lungs were screaming. She was already hyperventilating before. Now she is running in a sprint. That doesn’t add up well. It was hard to breathe, impossible to. She wasn’t sure if she was blacking out or the sky was growing darker passing through the thick of trees. There was a buzzing and radio static in her ear.

Without even knowing, she was down on the ground, on her hands and knees, trying to get air in her lungs. She gasped and coughed, arm becoming weaker.

_This is where you die. Can’t even make it to the right setting to finish the job._

…

“..o.er..! H.y..!”

Someone found her. _Damn it. Move it!_

Her limbs weren’t reacting and outside noise was like it was underwater with static. There was a pressure in her chest and everything was on fire. Then she felt the palm of her hand meet with something. She could feel it breathe evenly, taking in deep breaths with a steady heartbeat. This was her way out. 

She tried but she blacked out. Then she was up again, eyes still closed shut. Her back was supported by something and her chest felt like someone punched it. Her hand was still on something breathing.

“Br..th. .hr.ugh …. lip…”

 _Lips? They want me to breathe from my lips…_ She followed. She felt a hand cover over her mouth. The world's noises were closer to the surface.

“Inhale thr…. nose… two sec…. out …. mouth … four se…..”

After a while of coaxing and her breathing somewhat normal, the buzzing was but a little whisper. She gripped onto the breathing surface, her limbs were throbbing, making them tremble. She felt like a doll sitting upright, frozen in place, until the hand from her mouth released and picked her up bridal-like.

 _There are two people...Damn._ Her hand still gripped onto the first person but they held their hand over hers. Clover was surprised they kept their cool in the heat of the moment. _Wait…_

“Th...Three..?”

“Yeah?” _Shit_. Clover gripped tighter to her shirt, furrowing her brow. She didn’t know what to say.

“No, stay quiet…” Three whispered, she could barely hear it. _She is talking to the other person._

“Cloves, let go for a second. And turn into a squid to make this easier. I’ll hold your tentacle if you want.” Three voices. She complied, knowing she was in a presumable stranger’s arms. Once she turned into a squid, the unknown person held her out and Three took hold of her, holding her tentacle for support. 

The three kept walking, Clover getting her bearings and the other two to process. She didn’t even know who the other was. That freaks her out. Though, it is better not to since Three told them not to speak. 

They made it back to the house, Three setting her down on the living room couch. She turns back to her humanoid form once again. Three and the other went into the kitchen, whispering quietly. Four sighed, opening her eyes for the first time in a while. The gray ceiling met her.

_Look what you did! Now everyone is gonna tail you! You're going to lose the only interesting thing you had. This whole agency was like a second family since you moved away. Now they're going to cast you aside._

_You never stop, huh?_ She wasn’t in the mood for this. _Any other time would work but not now. I need to put up an act so shut up._

She waited a few more seconds, hearing nothing but the other two in the room walking to her. _Okay, fake it to you make it._

“Um, Clover?” _Oh, that’s why._

Agents Eight and Three stood in front of her, their body language tense and uncertain. Eight fidgeted with her hands. Three looked down, a soft expression on her face with a hint of pain. She held out water.

Four gave a convincing smile and thanked her as chipper as she could. That seemed to make the others confused.

While they were standing there, Four sat up and drank the water, practically chugging it cause _damn I’m tasty!_ She finished it, becoming dizzy for a second and looked up at the two. She really wanted to run to her room and be alone but that would send off bells of ‘Hey, I'm not okay!’ so here she stayed, laying back in a lazy position to lighten the mood. Playing oblivious. Because you know, she stayed chipper and happy when she was with everyone else. She wore that mask, and it fooled them. She didn't want the agents involved in her battle. Her battle against herself. If any of them were feeling down on themselves, she’d always be the first responder. She’d help them step back from the situation. But yuh can’t fix yourself on your own, unfortunately. Though, people like her don’t do anything to change that. Just running from the people who deem worthy of being family-like friends...

“What?” She questioned, smirking. _Uggggh!_

The two looked at each other and looked back, Three looking angry.

“ _What?_ What do you mean _what_ ? You literally just ran off in the middle of the night, struggling to _breathe_ when we found you!” Three yelled, frustrated. One fact you should know, don’t anger Three or something’s can go south. Unless Eight was there to stop it, while thank Cod she’s is present.

Four visibly flinched and dropped her persona but instantly put it back on, though a bit more worried.

Eight reached a hand out to calm Three. She side glanced at her and breathed in and out.

_Shit, what do I say?!_

“Look, Cloves…” she sighed, looking away from eye contact, anger dropped to something gentle. “You really scared us. You are a very important piece in the New Squidbeak Splatoon. We’re practically family.” She paused, now looking into Clover's soul.

_Double shit!_

“I meant what I said that night.”

Eight looked confused as to what she was referring to but continued to stand by as an anchor.

_Oh boy. Here it comes…_

“I can’t just say nothing. I did it for too long. This is like the third time.” She stepped closer, pointing at a finger like a mother disciplining a child. “You can act all chipper to everyone else and put on this mask, but not to me. Not to us.” She moved her hand to her chest and pointed out Eight. “If something were to happen to you…”

Three was struggling on her words, almost looking she would cry. Eight hugged her arm, trying to be comforting. She turned away, breaking her powerful gaze. Four didn’t even know she was holding her breath.

“I don’t know what I would do with myself.” Then she was done talking. Eight quickly trapped her in a hug.

Clover stared at this display, dumbfounded. Her act was gone.

_You piece of crap shit! Look what you did to them! You're so selfish. They shouldn’t care about you. You don’t deserve to be the reason Three would break down to this. Not even her nightmares can do that!_

Clover clenched her jaw, making a fist.

_Shut the fuck up._

_This is what happens when you get involved in people’s lives. You make them feel like shit and blame themselves for your actions that were only meant for you to blame yourself. You should have run from them as soon as you meet Marie and Brook. You're going to ruin everyone you cared about._

SHUT UP.

Clover held her head in one hand.

“Four?”

Clover snapped out of it. Eight and Brook teleported to both her sides, Eight calling her.

“I’m sorry if I upset you.” Three said.

“No.” 

“No...what?” Eight asked.

Clover stood up and turned to look at both of them, her expression mixed with distress.

“No, because I’m the one who should be sorry!” Eight was shocked but Three just frowned.

“I just drag everyone down when I’m like this! Ugh! Why can’t I just not have moved to Inkopolis! I should have just-!” Clover stopped, a shocked expression on her face. Then panic. “Never mind. I’m going to sleep.” _As if I can sleep with this over my head._

Just as she made it to her door, the front door slammed open. “Where is-!?”

 _Fucking shit!_ Agent Four stood paralyzed, nervous sweat dripping from her brow. _This is where your life gets ruined._ She could feel her gaze on the back of her head.

“Marie wait-“ Eight tried to stop her but Marie pushes her back on the couch with the force of her pointer finger on her forehead.

“Marie! Slow down!” Callie panted as she entered, leaning on the doorframe to catch her breath.

_Great! The whole family is here but that old guy._

And soon, Marie was right behind her. “Agent Four,” her voice was unpredictable, “what were you thinking.”

Four just stood there terrified of what is to come. What punishment awaits her from trying to end your life in the middle of the night?

Three butted in. “Wait a second Marie, before you swallow her whole.”

Four felt her gaze off her. She sighed in relief.

“Clover. I have to tell her. Even though you detest it, it’s for your own good.” She sounded somewhat soft. But this conversation was going to kick her in the ass. 

She couldn’t stop her. “Fine.” She gritted. _Brace yourself._

“Detest what?” Callie asked, closing the door and sitting on the other identical coach across Three and Eight. Marie joined beside her, though her gaze went back to Clover, uncertainty in her expression.

Three sighed.

 _Here we go._ Clover banged her head on the door, resting it there.

-

For the first time, Clover might actually cry by not watching character death in the movies.

“What..?” Marie questioned, shocked. “Clover...You know I won’t kick you off the team.”

Clover stood there, head against her door, hearing Brook spill her diary for all to know. Clover was in tears, though the cause was uncertain.

“Then what would you have done?” She asked in a rough voice, clear to everyone she was on the verge of crying.

“Well… If I’m being honest, I was desperate. With Three and Cap’n just leaving on a mission and Callie missing. I would have accompanied you and wouldn’t have rushed you. But I would never let you go. I know this agency is important to you. Especially since you were a minor living on your own to go to high school at the time.”

Clover punched herself internally.

“We would have helped you too, you know. Lessen the lowed.” Callie added in, Marie nodded.

“Why would you think I would do that?” Marie asked, sounding hurt.

_Because I forced myself to believe it._

_Because your family isn’t what you say they are, you liar._

_Because who would want your ass around._

_Because-_

Four turned around, looking down with silent tears streaming down her cheeks. _Tell them the truth_. “Because my parents did.”

The room was quiet. Painfully so.

 _Great, you made things awkward._ Clover dried her tears and breathed in and out. The tears kept coming and she could feel herself panic. _Not in front of everyone._

Marie stood and walked up to her, looking devastated. “Clover, why did you lie about your parents.”

_Might as well spill your guts out._

“So I could try to believe and forget about it. To move on.” _Well, you didn’t do a good job of that. What of your old friends?_

“When I find those parents of yours, I’m gonna make them pay.” Marie seethe.

“Here here.” Three joined in.

“Same here.” Callie joined her cousin, a warm inviting smile on her face.

Clover stifled a laugh. “Thanks.”

“Come here” Callie offered, her arms open. She felt like her hearts were going to burst. She threw herself into her, her tears wetting Callie’s shoulder. The purple squid looked at her cousin, her expression asking her to join. So she did.

“I’m sorry Marie…” Clover muffled.

“Shush. No need for that, you idiot.”

Once they were apart, Eight and Brook were smiling at them like a parent who has done right. 

“Are you feeling any better?” Eight asked.

She smiled. “Yeah… thank you.”

And she meant it.

  
  
  


Bonus:

“Clover! You're bleeding!” Marie noticed.

She looked at her shoulder, seeing an orange spot showing from under her t-shirt.

“Oh, yeah… forgot about that.”

“In the bathroom. Now.”

“Okay, Jeez…”

**Author's Note:**

> Yaaaay. Is this the end of the series that wasn't very long? Who knows. I might write about Agent 8 but I'm not coming up with any ideas. Well, except for that one comment on After Effects... Hmmm... Let me know if you want me to, though I'm not popular so there probably be no replies to this -.-
> 
> Again, Have an enjoyable first day of April. Or if its another day... Have a good normal rest of the day...?


End file.
